10,000 BC

By Matthew Rodgers

Roland Emmerich is the purveyor of all things ambitiously epic but ultimately vacuous; Independence Day was unashamedly schlocky event picture enjoyment, The Day After Tomorrow was climate fear culture capitalised upon as an excuse for CGI tornado’s, and The Patriot was History re-written with bombastic battle scenes. The key element was that no matter how utterly redundant they were, they remained “take your brain out” escapism of the highest order. With that in mind 10,000BC stampedes onto the big screen like a marauding Pachyderm intent on joining that list, but 109mins later is little more than a steaming pile of Mammoth dung, wretched and stinking up the screen.

Without an original idea hanging from its skeletal plot 10,000 BC traces the lines of Mel Gibson’s superior and similar-in-every-way Apocalypto to tell the story of reluctant young hunter D’Leh (Steven Straight), his battle to save his tribe, and in the process try and rescue kidnapped sweetheart Evolet (Camilla Belle – When A Stranger Calls). There is also some guff about a sacred white spear, killer Ostriches (yes, really) and the most nonsensical climax in recent memory – let’s just forget all that’s gone before and chuck a spear at the bad guy.

Never has a movie been so detached from its audience that it ceases to become anything resembling an immersive experience; no emotional resonance, no interesting characters, half baked CGI – the ostriches are hidden by long grass during a sequence completely lifted from The Lost Word: Jurassic Park and the Saber Tooth Tiger is embarrassing in its rendering. The most damning criticism is that the creatures on display are less realistic than those created by the master of monsters, Ray Harryhausen in Jason and the Argonauts in 1963!! – the movie is also structured as to resemble a computer game as our hero runs from one set-piece punctuated by a fight with a large beastie to another with the same repetitive scuffle at the end.

The cast of newcomers struggle with the stone-age dialogue they are asked to deliver with a straight face – an early exchange between the child actors about The North Star sets the bar so low that the impending lack of improvement is the only surprise the film has to offer. Newcomer, Straight is all teeth and tan caveman, and the only thing striking about Belles object of desire are her startling blue eyes.

10,000 BC will not leave a mammoth sized footprint in your movie going consciousness as it has nothing redeemable to remember and cannot even be excused as a Saturday morning matinee throwback. Confusing mumbo-jumbo driven plot combined with terrible acting and choppy direction make this a definite candidate for early extinction.